Top 5 WORST Things You'll Hate About Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare (PS3)

In the second part of our review, we find the answer to a common question: Is Advanced Warfare worth it?

In case you've missed it, here's a link to the Top 5 Best Things You'll Love About Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. You'll get more out of our review if you read that part first before continuing. If you have read that part already, go read it again for old time's sake, I will wait. Once finished, click back to here to find out if it's worth it and what things you'll probably end up hating. Things such as...

5. DEATH STRIKING FORM ALL ANGLES, NOT AS EASY TO PICK UP AND PLAY

As a, uh, proud Call of Duty veteran, I can confidently tell you that every title in the series is easy for just about any kind of gamer to pick up and play. Rules such as the left thumb stick moves your character, press R2 to shoot, and someone is probably going to shoot you in the back are just as meaningful here as any other COD game.

While the new double jump/boost dodging means that you can engage targets from a 360 degree field of attack, so can your enemies. If you thought you died often in other COD games from some guy you couldn't see at all, just wait until you play Advanced Warfare. The moment you even think about double jumping over a wall you'll have an enemy killing you so hard that you won't be able to fully comprehend what's happened until you respawn. At which point you'll be shot on sight, of course.

You probably won't mind this learning curve because, well, there are lasers for Pete's sake and the punching melee is fun to to do. But for those new to this franchise just... Just prepare to die a whole bunch via ferocious fists before getting into the swing of things. Boom! A double entendre with a pun that works both ways. Only at PMI, folks.

Chances of you getting death punched are higher than you delivering one.

4. LACKS ABILITY TO DOWNLOAD TEXTURES THAT ARE AS MUDDY AS HELL ANYWAY

I'll get this out of the way: I understand that Advanced Warfare is designed to take advantage of new game console technology. In fact, this game looks downright pretty on those consoles. Here's a video that shows you the entire first mission, where watching the first three or so minutes will give you an idea of how good this game looks without risking any spoilers.

But on the PS3/360, this game looks turdtastic. With cleaner textures and less jagged polygons, older COD games like Call of Duty: Black Ops 2 look much better than Advanced Warfare does on the PS3/360. Also, unlike in Black Ops 2, the textures take a millennium to load. In that game, you have the option to download the game's textures, you see, facilitating smoother loading of online matches. On the other hand, Advanced Warfare has your poor console working overtime, constantly streaming map data and textures from the game disc as you play. You can almost taste the torture going on as your console's fans spin fast as jet turbines in a futile attempt to dispel the heat. "How long 'til it takes for this console to freeze you reckon?!" One fan screams to other.

"I dunno... What the hell, man, I'm just a fan! All I know is that I spin. I spin for Lisa and the kids. It's what they would've wanted." *vhhhhmmmm*

So if you couldn't tell by my obtuse means of story telling, there's no option to download the textures on Advanced Warfare. This should be a real concern for gamers who have yet to make the next gen console step, as the constant stream of disc data by this game has already made my console freeze numerous times during gameplay. I suppose Activision wanted more reason than "It looks better" in order to sell gamers a PS4/XBONE along with Advanced Warfare, making the last gen version look extra rough so that the current gen version looks even better in comparison. "It's designed to take full advantage of next gen hardware" I'm sure they'd say while snorting money from hookers' bellybuttons.

There are plenty of comparison videos on the web you can check out and consequently be shocked at how purposefully half-assed the graphics look for the PS3/360 version. I may be wrong with my speculation, but here's a video comparison video of both versions of the game so that you can make up your own mind as to what went wrong when porting this game to the PS3/360.

3. THE ONLINE PREGAME LOBBY IS AS WELCOMING AS A DELICATE KICK TO THE NUGGETS/EGGS

Did you know that the internet can be a cruel place? Crazy, I know. When faced with anonymity, people tend to reveal the true dicks within, but that's okay. It is but a fault of human nature and no one's really the blame for it. But you know what? Call of Duty's online community is an atrocity, terrible in every way possible. The pregame lobby experience is akin to the comments section of an Ebaumsworld video, full of a variety of loudmouthed jerks, ranging from racist to horribly sexist preteen. My personal favorite are the jerks that will report you for "cheating" if you win an online match with a certain weapon that they personally do not like. It's irritating that when people want to vibrate your sensitive little ear holes the most its with something unwanted, like calling you a "n***** f*****".

Most of them look just like that.

You can mute these players, alleviating the annoyance of enraged zygotes declaring your sexuality with uncanny accuracy over a video game, but the short intermission time of 60 seconds between games makes the two stop process of muting difficult. This process took only one button press in previous COD titles, so what the hell? Did no one at all on the development team play other COD games with that super handy mute button? It's a small problem but it makes pregame lobbies even more of a hassle if you also want to change your weapon attachments or character appearance. Oh, and yeah, menus now take complete seconds to fully load whereas in previous COD games the load times were virtually nonexistent. I'm not entirely sure if this problem is exclusive to the PS3/360 version but I wouldn't be surprised if it is.

The game basically expects you to check out the contents of your loot drop, change weapon attachments, perks, and maybe even your score streak, and vote for the next map all the while you fumble to mute 420xxFatBoyMilkerHDxx through a series of slow loading menus under 60 seconds because fuck you for buying this game on your caveman console.

2. THE EXO SURVIVAL MODE IS LIKE COD ZOMBIES AND SPEC-OPS HAD A BABY THAT IS NO FUN AT PARTIES AT ALL

I'm sure there's a concise way to word that title but by now you know that's not what PMI is about. Remember Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3's Special-Ops mode? You faced enemy soldiers while trying to complete a mission with a buddy, right? Of course! Do you also remember how Call of Duty: World at War's, Black Ops's, and Black Ops 2's Zombie modes were insanely more fun? Of course you do, again, I'm sure. Playing on specialized maps with special characters using special weapons and special abilities to defeat waves of special zombies was something gamers fully enjoyed.

Enter Advanced Warfare's "Exo-Survival" mode. Seemingly in a bid to satisfy fans of the Special-Ops and Zombie modes, it mixes the worst parts of the former and the mediocre parts of the latter. Like spec-ops, you're playing against non special enemies on non specialized maps. But, similar to Zombies, you have no objectives other than to survive as many waves as you can. You'll be upgrading your non-special weapons with non-special power ups, but it lacks any semblance of charm. You drink Pepsi when there's no Coke, so too you will play Exo-Survival when there's no Zombies.
 

Coke, a soda you drink when there's no coke-- Holy shit is that Guy Fieri?

Okay, I'm being harsh, the game mode is decent at best but you still won't get your Zombies fix from Advanced Warfare. That reason alone is why Exo-Survival mode makes this list, though. There was opportunity for developer Sledgehammer Games to design a unique side-game but instead you're given a nipped and tucked version of Zombies, void of the best part of Zombies: the damned Zombies. It's almost as big a let down as the second season of The Walking Dead when the show forgets it takes place in a world of zombies.

1. CRIPPLING LAG, FRAME RATE DROPS, RANDOM FREEZING HANDICAPS GAMEPLAY

You know those COD features that we all pretend to hate such as its wavering frame rate, peer hosting, lag, and a spawn system designed for spawn killing that we secretly love? For a second, ask yourself: would the series be any better if theses things weren't a part of the COD experience? These unpredictable variables in gameplay add a certain amount of fake difficultly, making consistent performance difficulty to achieve. So when a player does get killed, instead of thinking "Oh maybe I should change my strategy", he or she can instead cite lag as a reason for failure. Using lag as an excuse for losing is a time honored tradition at this point, but there's truth to it. I mean, with every major COD title to date suffering from the same performance issues, could it be that these "issues" are intentionally designed into COD? Think about it, you're less likely to stop trying to play well if it's lag fault. You're pissed, but you will claim no fault of your own and continue to play despite the growing pit stains of your wife beater.

This is what a wife beater looks like.
It's the shirt, not the man who
looks like he knows
the best areas of the neck to stab someone.

Still not convinced? That's fine, but I will simply leave you with that spawn kill video to drive my point home.

*ahem* My overall point and the reason for including these things on the list is this: as fundamental characteristics of the COD formula, they are the worst aspect of Advanced Warfare. It's a shame, too. There's so much going for this game between the pew-pew lasers and boost dodging capabilities, but the appeal is usurped by the same old, frustrating COD formula. Mind you, I do not hate this formula, but many of you will after an entire decade of the franchise refusing to make holistic changes.

So Is It Worth It?

Imagine joining a pregame lobby where players weren't belligerent turds taking out their anger of the game on you. Imagine if shooting someone wasn't a question of "lag", but was in a simpler matter of whether or not you actually hit your target. That would be a better video game, one that more gamers would love playing. As it is, Advanced Warfare is worth it for the gamers that do not mind spending money for the same experience that can be had in the previous ten, major COD games. But with the series insisting on its tired traits, Advanced Warfare will never shake that "been there, done that" feeling. Only time will tell if this game reverses the series's declining sales trend, and while this COD doesn't flounder, it's new additions to the series have trouble drowning it's decade old fish bones. If you're looking for a refreshing, new COD experience, Advanced Warfare isn't it.

A Word From Our Lone Sponsor Hi, I'm Caleb Woods, also known as LZ Schneider and the creator-God of Plus Minus Infinity. This Holiday Season, I want to remind you that you really should save your $60 and simply rent the game for a few days before buying it. Every year, thousands upon millions of hundreds of gamers suffer from gamer's remorse, but you can make a difference. No matter how many neat-o ads with celebrities you see or a thousand COD videos you watch, make up your own mind by renting, allowing you an honest, first hand impression. Newness can cloud judgment, especially with Black Friday around the corner, but simply renting the game for a few days has a proven 100% chance of preventing gamer's remorse. Do the right thing. Do the smart thing. Have your prostate examined at your local RedBox today.