Top 5 WORST Things You'll Hate About Call of Duty: Black Ops 3
In part two of this review, where we cover the worst things you'll hate about this game, I'll determine your spirit animal.
You can read Part 1 by clicking here and you should read that section first unless you're a rebel who doesn't play by the rules. In that case, continue reading and be really risky by sharing this review with all of your friends.
5. No Dog
What the hell? C'mon, Call of Duty. Its been 2 years and still no dogs? This is bullshit. Absolute fucking bullshit.
|This war isn't for you. Go home, War Doge.|
4. Customization Takes a Creative Step Backwards
Customization is a spayed (#Equality) affair when compared to Advanced Warfare. Granted, AW's customization is a poorly organized mess, but I'm sure Treyarch could've figured out a better approach for Black Ops 3. Now there is visual customization for each specialist avatar in addition to the usual class customization, but it is quite limited. You can choose weapon camouflage, attachments, and you can even paint a very tiny area of your weapon.
|Why ain't that the most next-gen patch of teal you've ever done seen?|
3. Where Did The Party Go? Na na na na na na na na na na
This may surprise some of you but... Call of Duty ain't been doing so hot no mo'. It's not as popular as it once was, I mean. So like hanging with your old high school buddies, Black Ops 3 lobbies have become cold, half empty, and mute over the years as consequence.
On one hand, chances of a 3-year-old with the mouth of a retired drill-sergeant calling you a "donkey fluffer" are extremely slim. Conversely, you'll have a hard time making new gaming friends. The rare few players who do talk have been nice fellows in my experience, but most times the lobbies are eerily silent.
The social aspect was a strong reason to keep buying these goddamned games. You wouldn't want to play football or quidditch alone, would you? You definitely should play one of those alone but my point still stands.
Clearly, if you've already purchased a fine selection of gaming friends on your platform, this isn't an issue. But for those new to Xbox or PlayStation, this is yet another book for the fire of reasons to maybe pause before buying BO3.
Oof, just saying those words shudders my insides like hot toilet water after Taco Night, which brings us to Number 2...
2. Crippling Lag, Frame Rate Drops Handicaps Gameplay
After a decade of online COD games, stuttering still affects gameplay. Surprise!
Star Wars Battlefront can handle 40 player online battles on Xbox One along with life like visuals and a smooth frame rate, but Black Ops 3 cannot? A year ago, I accepted this issue with similar detachment a mother accepts her drop out son turned freelance writer, but this time I'm putting my foot down and calling bullshit. C'mon, Treyarch-Activision!
Don't try to convince me all is fine by including in-game internet connection health statistics. When Black Ops 3 is the only game in my library with these issues, green bars measuring how small my ping is is hardly a sedative.
|What actually matters is ping girth.|
I'll admit, I once played these games religiously. Why, even now I'd like nothing more than to cuddle up under the sheets with Doritos-Mountain Dew cereal in my underpants, mowing down hordes of angry children in a 17+ video game on weekends between church and carving dirt from my toenails. We've all been there and we all want to go there again.
But this time around, it's harder to enjoy those sessions when great games are releasing monthly and Black Ops 3 suffers from the same, weak online-play quality it's had for ten damned years. It's as if Treyarch-Activation honestly believe they would make less money if fake-difficultly wasn't apart of COD's core experience.
1. Eh, Close Enough
Overall, the main factor that may limit BO3's appeal is its taste of good-enough. Peel back it's gorgeous presentation and FLAMETHROOOWWEEEER reveals it does more to fix what's recently harmed the series rather than build upon it in positive ways. For example, a lot of the things listed as negatives in last year's AW review are absent this time, but I'm not the sort to give praise for just showing up to work with pants on. Although I am someone who would like such praise thank-you-very-much.
So what you have is a plain-Jane, three year old, but still tasty, glazed doughnut with a gooey, bullshit filled center of fake difficultly sprinkled with legitimate stints of fun. For me, it's worth licking the icing off that metaphorical shit donut because FLAMETHROOOWWEEEER. However, if your eyes are set on any of the numerous, amazing AAA games that have debuted recently, Black Ops 3 shouldn't be your first choice quite frankly.
However if you buy COD games anally, the answer is clear: get Star Wars Battlefront instead.
Ha jk. No but seriously, if you're a fan of the series you'll probably enjoy BO3 in your console's disc hole regardless of the unreliable online quality. In fact, poor online connection quality doesn't seem to stop them from making roughly one-kajillion a year on the franchise. That is an extremely sad fact and fans should demand better online quality before tossing 'em $120 a year. Until then, why should this bullshit formula change unless you demand so with your wallet? Drifting tires aren't going to pay for themselves.
|This Porsche 911 GT3 is probably the company's weekend beater.|
It is the horny toad.